Jealousy.

I’m jealous.

I hate to say it, but it’s true. I’m jealous. Every time I see a picture of a pregnant woman, or a woman pushing a stroller down the street, I’m jealous. I think about all of the firsts that I’m missing. I think about all of the heartbeats that I heard and all of the dreams I had. I think about all that I lost when Kaden died. I think about all the things that I won’t get to do with my son. And I turn green with envy.

It isn’t the kind of angry jealousy that would make me wish for something awful to happen. I would never wish this pain or these feelings on anyone. It isn’t the kind of jealousy that would make me want to take something from someone else. I would never want someone else to miss their child because I don’t have mine. It is the kind of jealousy that is a mixture of heartbreak and happiness. It is the kind of jealousy that I’ve never felt before. I am jealous of all of the wonderful experiences to come for these people that I will never have with my son; and I am so happy that they will have all of the things that I can only dream about. I just want something that I don’t have. And today, on the two month anniversary of Kaden’s death, I’m feeling just a little bit greener than normal.

This jealousy extends beyond anything I’ve ever felt before. I’ve never been the jealous type. I’ve always been content with what I have and where I am. There’s never been a time that I genuinely longed for something that would never be mine. And now I feel it every day. The amazing thing is that it isn’t just the happy things. Sure, the newborn pictures and the family photos and the gender reveals all hit me. I want that. I want unlimited pictures of my child. I want to have videos of his first steps. I want the cheesy posed family photos. I want to cry as I leave him for his first day of kindergarten. I want to teach him to drive. I want a life with my Kaden.

I want all of those amazing things. But the things that really make me jealous are the posts I see of parents complaining. Every time I see someone complain about changing a diaper, I get frustrated by my jealousy. I’m jealous of a dirty diaper. I’m jealous of a disgusting blow out. Every time I see someone fuss that they haven’t gotten any sleep because the baby cried all night, my heart breaks. I’m jealous of exhaustion and late nights. Every time I see someone who is dealing with the terrible twos, I cry. I am jealous of mental break downs. Every time I see someone with an unruly kindergartner, every time I see someone fighting with a teenager, every time…

It sounds crazy, and I know it does. But there is a reason that these every day annoyances lead to jealousy. I would give anything to change Kaden’s diaper. I would never put him down if he were here. I would sit up every night just to smell the top of his head and rock him. I would love to have heard him cry, even if just once. I would love to get a note home from school or to have to take the car keys. I would love to have any of these happy and normal experiences with my child.

I would love to see my son grow up.

Seeing and hearing complaints make me happy for the people who have them–simply because they get to have them. I know that being a mom is hard work. I know that it is frustrating at times. I know that children are little humans, and that makes life hard. But I also know what it is like to wish for dirty diapers. And having these complaints means that the parents are getting to see their child grow up.

To any moms with babies they can hold that may be reading this, don’t think I am minimizing the struggle that comes with being a mom. I’m not. I think that what you are doing is amazing, and I know that you are doing the best you can. That’s all that we can do. But I do hope that this will help you. I hope that my transparency will make you a little less frustrated at the third night of screaming or the second blow out this month. I hope that it will make the small things seem a little bigger. I hope that everyday experiences will seem a little more important and real. I hope that you enjoy every minute, every diaper, every sleepless night. I hope you know that I am proud of you for all that you are doing. And I hope you know how happy I am for you. Because I am so so happy for you, and that happiness is what stems my jealousy. I wish that I could have what you do with my Kaden.

To any moms out there who are like me, know that I understand. I get your jealousy. I know that you are doing the best you can to be OK. I know that you are trying. I am so proud of you. Your jealousy is understood. You are understood. Hold onto hope. Say your baby’s name. Hold onto that onesie that your child never got to wear, or that baby blanket. Look at your sonograms or your pictures. Cry when you need to. And do what you have to do to make it through. It will be hard, but this is our life. We just have to learn how to make it through the best that we can.

Peace and happiness that stems so much jealousy,

-Callie.